So here we are, on the cusp of panic over the pandemic. I don't mean to diminish the threat of the H1N1 flu (or hiney flu, as it first appeared to me). People are dying from it, if not in droves, then in dribbles, and yes, after some deliberation, we are going to get the kids vaccinated, and then ourselves, and the sooner the better. Prevention is also a large part of the cure, and by now you've probably received a number of well-intentioned emails, as I have, urging you to cough in your elbow and Purell yourself up to your armpits and avoid shaking hands if at all possible. Which brings me to the search for a new form of greeting. Hugs and kisses are now being discouraged in places where public displays of affection are the norm (namely anywhere but Toronto). Handshakes are being displaced in favour of the fist bump. My pal John Garbutt has gone so far as to propose the Low Toe, which involves touching toes, preferably encased in leather and rubber, thereby avoiding fleshly contact altogether. Not a bad idea. I find most people don't even know how to greet each other properly even without the threat of contagion. Men with men are fine - they do the firm handshake, the upper arm grip, and, if they're close, the manly hug with the triple thump on the back to the rhythm of "I'M-NOT-GAY". Men with women are a little more awkward. Not to sure whether to shake or kiss or hug. Usually a little fumbling around, and sometimes, if alcohol is involved, some inappropriate touching. Women with women? The worst. If there's a handshake, it's often limp and moist, under the impression that it's ladylike: "Oh hello, nice to meet you, here's a cold, dead fish for you to hold". Then comes the air kissing, so as not to mess lipstick and/or hair. So really, we're not missing out on much if we eschew physical contact, at least not for the next little while. If the Low Toe doesn't grab you, how about the salute? Perhaps a tad too military, and discomfiting if delivered with a straight arm and a boot click. The hat doff is charming and old worldly, but requires a hat. How about the Asian bow? It's graceful, non-gender specific, and gives your lower back a nice workout. I say bow ... Wow! I bow to you, you bow to me, and if we avoid head bonking, we're good to go.