Sundays, we try to include one or both or all of the grandparents at dinner. It’s an excuse to throw a roast in the oven and do things up old school. It’s also nice for the kids to spend a little time with their elders, if only to secure the inheritance. I jest, of course. There’s no inheritance. In any case, last night it was Granny’s turn to come to dinner, Granny being my mother-in-law, and the only reason I can tell you about Granny is because she’s about as likely to read this blog as she is to take up hiphop or to sext. My own parents, however, read this faithfully, which is why you never get to hear about them (HELLO MOM AND DAD I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING).
Granny is quite elderly, and not so much out of tune with youth culture as she is entirely oblivious to it. John tells me it was always this way, and about the time my own mother was wearing hot pants and listening to The Band, Granny was wondering why no one sang English music hall songs anymore. So it was with a fair amount of misgiving that I turned on the Grammy Awards after dinner last night, hoping that she’d profess disinterest and ask to be taken home. Oh no, she said, she loves music! Such a shame that nice Enrico Caruso is dead, but let’s see what popular music is all about these days. And of course out comes Lady Gaga in a glitter thong and platforms, and the next thing you know she’s engulfed in flames, and then out she pops with Elton John playing a grand piano with human legs sticking out of it, and then comes Pink doing acrobatics practically naked (a high point of the show, I thought), and Beyonce grabbing her crotch and singing about being a boy, and, well, Granny is beyond aghast (“What nonsense! Why would anyone want to listen to that?”). John finally wrangled her out the door, just as Jamie Foxx come onstage with T-Pain and Slash (“Who’s that silly man in the hat?”) and performed a number that even I had to admit was borderline stupid.
You can’t teach an old dame new tricks, especially when she’s not crazy about tricks to begin with. All I can say is she is definitely not watching the Oscars with us (“Who are those giant blue people? How ridiculous!”)